Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Age, 15 September 2010


The Locusts are a-coming! The Locusts are a-coming!
Which is only a problem because Australians, unlike many other nationalities, don't fancy them deep-fried. 
What's that? They might eat all of Victoria's grain crops thus bringing the states to it's knees? Well, yes. True. And then The States knees would be muddy, given the amount of rain we've had.

Aside from the whole muddy knee debacle, the other bad thing about a locust plague is that large bugs do get stuck in the grill of your car. But I figure if  every Victorian, prior to taking their summer holiday, oils up the front of their car's radiator with peanut oil, then we may well save Our State from financial ruin. As you tootle down the Neapean Hwy to Rosebud, the crunchy little buggers hit the bumper bar and get their heads and gizzards whacked out (that's the bit you don't eat) before being radiator-fried in a light-yet-tasty peanut oil that's been delicately infused with chilli. So once you've got the caravan sorted and the kids off to Rosebud carnival you simply take to the radiator with a spatula and ice-cream container to 'harvest' your catch. Deliver it to a centrally located warehouse to be shipped offshore, and by bingo, we've recovered the revenue lost from our failed grain crops! Not very buddhist, admittedly, but economic remedies rarely are.

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a locust's mind before it hits your car windscreen?
A. It's bottom.

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